襲人馬桶                             


到會津若松已經是第三次了﹐每次都住在華盛頓旅館。這家旅館依照日本標準應該算
是普通的中級旅館﹐但是在會津若松這小城算是個中翹楚。我不知道是誰的主意﹐也
許日本旅館業競爭十分激烈﹐每次來都發現這家旅館又有些改進。有進步當然比沒有
進步好﹐但有時也會出人意料﹐就如洗屁機...........

其實在報章雜誌上經常讀到日本人搞出的奇怪發明﹐例如自動替人洗屁股的馬桶﹐看
完總一笑置之﹐心想誰會吃飽飯沒事幹使用這種無聊玩意。想不到三個月不見﹐會津
若松的華盛頓旅館竟換裝了這種自動洗屁股馬桶﹐形狀外觀和一般馬桶類似﹐不同處
是旁邊多了一排按鈕。

這次到會津若松是主持一項國際電腦會議﹐來開會的各國人士都住同一家旅館﹐因此
我少不得發了調查癖﹐趁機問有沒有人大膽嘗試自動洗屁股馬桶﹖答案令人驚訝﹐這
麼多自以為走在時代最尖端的電腦專家竟沒有一人敢試自動洗屁股馬桶﹐可見平常自
命前進的人士往往不知道自己其實是個大保守派。

有嘴說別人無嘴說自己﹐我其實也是個保守派﹐但譏笑別人之後自己不能不至少嘗試
一次。坐上自動洗屁股馬桶立刻就聽到沖水聲﹐牆上貼的告示解釋說沖水是為了保持
永遠有溫水給顧客洗屁股﹐這正是日本設計師的細心處。按第一個按鈕起動後﹐再按
第二個按鈕﹐上面畫了如下的圖象﹕



按紐後好一會並無任何反應﹐正驚疑間﹐自動洗屁股馬桶突然噴射出一道細細的水柱﹐
射向圖示的方位。由於事先並無警告﹐的確有些措手不及﹐但第二次再試就比較習慣。
隨即發現還有第三個按鈕﹐一試不得了﹐不僅水柱更細更強﹐而且能瞄準屁股眼直搗
黃龍﹐然後還會自動改變按摩方向及方式﹐滋味難以形容﹐介乎醫生塞灌腸藥丸和性
行為之間。我的想法也許政治不太正確﹐但我相信自動洗屁股馬桶的發明人可能是同
性戀者﹐真正的動機是讓人體會某種異類經驗﹐喚醒他潛伏的同性戀意識。

後來有人告訴我﹐自動洗屁股馬桶還在繼續改進﹐下一代的馬桶不但能替您洗屁股﹐
還能化驗您的排泄物﹐例如您有糖尿病它就會自動提醒您注意飲食。這對糖尿病
患固然是佳音﹐如果還能化驗別的排泄物就越發不得了﹐所以不妨給它起個比較文雅
的名字﹐例如襲人馬桶。正如紅樓夢寶玉初試雲雨情﹐寶玉的丫頭襲人含笑問寶玉﹕
“這是從那裏流出來的﹖”您座下的襲人馬桶有一天恐怕也會問您類似的問題﹗

如果襲人馬桶再和家庭電腦網路聯接﹐那就更加有用。也許每個已婚女人每天早上都
會問兩個問題﹕先問魔鏡電腦﹐世界上誰最美麗 (魔鏡電腦當然立刻上網路去搜索)﹐
再問襲人馬桶﹐老爺昨晚有沒有任何越軌行為﹐襲人馬桶便含笑提出調查報告﹐甚至
做DNA檢驗.........

我這樣稱呼襲人馬桶並不是故意糟蹋襲人。話又說回來﹐讀紅樓夢誰會喜歡經常向賈
母打小報告的花襲人﹖如果自己的馬桶會打小報告﹐委實可怕﹐比一九八四年所描述
的世界更加可怕。但襲人馬桶如果再改進﹐美國風流的柯林頓總統就不再需要柳文斯
基﹐襲人馬桶可提供他所需要的一切服務。不要認為這是痴人說夢吧﹐人能想到就有
人做得到。將來您去日本﹐搞不好就會遇見下一代的襲人馬桶。


Japanese Firm Shows Smart Toilet
http://www.allnetdevices.com/wired/news/2000/12/22/japanese_firm.html


December 22, 2000

Knight Ridder/Tribune Business News via COMTEX

With so many people focusing this year on the convergence of cell phones and hand-held
organizers, most consumers missed the melding of medical testing equipment and toilets. 

But sure enough, Matsushita Electric Industrial Co. of Japan has built a toilet that checks a
person's temperature, blood pressure and blood sugar. This data can then be electronically
transmitted to a medical professional monitoring the patient's status from afar. 

"In 5 to 10 years time, this could replace your doctor," said Michio Kaku, a professor of
theoretical physics at City University of New York who lectures about the future of technology.
While it may be a tad premature to dismiss the medical profession entirely, the smart toilet is a
sign of things of come. 

Technology companies and electronics-makers are scrambling to figure out consumers' tolerance
levels for more technological gizmos entering their lives as well as what kinds of gadgets they
will use to access the Internet and communicate with each other electronically. The emergence
of new devices--and sagging sales of personal computers--affects a range of technology-based
industries, everything from software to semiconductors.

Industry watchers say much of the focus in 2001 will continue to be the push to bring together
the capabilities of cell phones and hand-held organizers with a host of other functions, such as
sending e-mail, playing music and shooting pictures. These gadgets are likely to arrive in a
wealth of colors, styles and combinations of capabilities, reflecting an increased demand for personalization of
technology. 

"I don't think there's any one device for the future," said David Bishop, director of wireless and mobile services at
Yankee Group in Boston. "Everyone wants something slightly different." 

While the popularity of cell phones and hand-held organizers has surged, sales of personal computers have fallen
dramatically. In November, sales of desktop computers sank 17.5 percent compared to the same month a year earlier,
according to Reston, Va.-based PC Data. Steve Baker, vice president of technology product research at PC Data, said
personal computer-makers have been victims of a softening in the economy, much like car manufacturers and
appliance-makers. 

"PCs are in the same boat as a big, durable goods now," Baker said. Still, sales of many other consumer technology
products, such as digital cameras and CD burners, have continued to boom. For now, Baker said, many consumers view
their computers as "Internet devices" with sufficient processing power. They buy Palm Pilots or other items to take
advantage of recent technological advances. 

Baker said he thinks the PC will remain the center of consumers' technological universe, but he expects that they won't
rush out to buy more powerful machines or other enhancements until broadband services can deliver streaming video
and other high-data features. 

"You're going to want something that gives you the full experience," he said. Michael Krasny, chairman and chief
executive of CDW Computer Centers Inc., said the devices that eventually succeed will largely be driven by something
consumers never see--the technological infrastructure of networks, switches and routers that steers electronic traffic
from machine to machine. 

"What will happen is the experience you get will dramatically improve as a result of back-end technology growth," said
Krasny, whose Vernon Hills-based firm sells computers and other technology products. Krasny pointed to lightweight
electronic tablets as an example of an innovation that he believes will eventually gain popularity. These gadgets have
nearly full-size screens and allow users to enter information with a penlike instrument. They could eventually be used
to watch videos. 

Many prognosticators thought Internet appliances, which are used to surf the Web and send e-mail, would become hot
devices this year, but with price tags of $400 to $500, they haven't caught consumers' attention. Other efforts that
have yet to yield significant results include trying to upgrade appliances that consumers already own. 

Schaumburg, Illinois-based Motorola Inc., for example, has developed a prototype Internet refrigerator. Tom Freeburg,
Motorola's chief corporate futurist, said futuristic refrigerators will have electronic message boards on the outside and
the capability to let their owners know when they're running low on milk or other items. "Everybody knows [the
refrigerator] is going to be something big," Freeburg said, "but we don't know what to do with it yet." By Rob Kaiser